The Lord has been telling me to share my stories for a long time. Not just with my close friends or when I am around other people, but to write them down and put them out into the world. I've ignored his calling for...over a year now. It's not that I'm afraid to share. Ok, I lied. I am afraid. I am super private about my life. I don't like to share the daily happenings let alone overshare all the things that I struggle with. And then I don't feel like I'm a good enough writer for this. Which is funny because I used to want to be a writer. A modern-day Jane Austen (what girl wouldn't want to be?). I have three posts that I've started a couple of months back that I have started off strongly and then I hit that wall. Writer's block. I don't know what type of style of writing I have. I don't think I am a poetic writer nor do I think I am a comedic one. So I'm just going to write like I am writing a letter to a dear friend. And the story I will share is what I am struggling with now. Here goes.
I want to have another baby. I want it so bad that I have very vivid dreams of being pregnant and delivering a child every couple of weeks. I have wanted another baby right after Ben and I got married two years ago.
Every month is the same agonizing wait. Am I or aren't I? I over analyze every symptom. My boobs hurt a lot this time around so I must be. Oh, these cramps are terrible so this must be the month. OMG, I'm two seconds late, I'm so pregnant. And then...the truth comes out.
I used to google all my symptoms, looking for hope in the forums and the articles. So many hours dedicated to reading run-on sentences written by scared single ladies and abbreviated phrases such as BFP (Big Fat Positive). Oh, and so much money spent on pregnancy tests and then lots of time spent shifting the stick around under the light to see maybe if there was a very faint positive line.
Gavin came when we were doing everything we can to prevent. Because of that, I thought having a second baby would be so easy. Snap my fingers and my belly would grow. How silly of me to think that.
Ben is very content with just having one. He got his son, why wouldn't he be content? But me, I want two. I actually want three or four but that's just pushing it. Now, it'll be a miracle if we could just get one more.
Last February I finally ended up pregnant. I wasn't going to take a test but I drove past a car on my way to work and their license plate read "BPF"...the letters got switched around but they were all there. Big Fat Positive. I took the test, became ecstatic with my best friend, and then spent the night watching beautiful birthing videos and crying. The next morning, I took another test to see if the line had gotten darker. To my surprise, it was much lighter. And then I started bleeding. I prayed and begged God to not let this happen. I tested every single day while that was happening. After 4 days, at around 5 weeks, I got a negative, confirming what happened.
I bought this print from Joy Kelley from How Joyful Shop. A sweet reminder of the little one I have and that I will meet again.
After that, my passion for having another baby quickly died away. I still wanted one but it was not in the forefront of my mind. I was grieving over the little one that never got to be. I later learned that I was idolizing having a baby. I put God's good gift in front of God. I obsessed over pregnancy and babies instead of focusing on Him. So no more Googling symptoms. No more pregnancy tests unless it's I am several days late. My focus has shifted back to Him.
There are many reasons why I want another child. It's my motherly/womanly instinct. I also want a redo with my first pregnancy. I was far from the Lord and it was not special to me spiritually. I feel that another baby would be the perfect conclusion of Ben and I's redeeming story. I also don't want Gavin to grow up alone...but it's been 6 years and now I feel that he and a much younger sibling might not have anything in common anyways.
I have prayed for the Lord to take away my desire for having more children if it's not meant to be. My husband doesn't really want anymore and if his heart is not into it, I don't want mine to be. The Lord hasn't really given me clear signs to have hope in having more children. Not in the way that he did when I was praying for me and Ben to be married.
Children are a blessing from the Lord. Thank you Lord for blessing me with Gavin. Seeing as to how HARD it actually is to be pregnant, I am so grateful for having Gavin. All these things have to go right from beginning to end to create this amazing life and the Lord blessed me with that when I truly did not deserve it. And I guess I never will deserve it.
So I give it all to God. What else can I do?